Cecaniah (cecanniah) wrote in thedoggsout,


Title: Butterfly (1A)
Pairing: Hansol x B-joo (Hanjoo)
Warnings: Self-Harm, Depression, Suicidal thoughts
Rating: R
Final Word’s Count: ~5,552
Summary: Hansol wants to see the butterflies again.


As far as Hansol remembers, there was always him. He doesn't remember too much though, just of waking up one day; there's no chilhood or old memories, it's simply him opening his eyes and glancing at the blue sky as he lies on a cozy bed, the warmth of the sun hugging his body as he smiles and sits, his bare feet touching the fluffy grass.

It was always him and a gentle boy with nice features named Byungjoo. He is lying on a green hill, watching the bright sky and seeing how the clouds looked as little cute pets, laughing alone and feeling genuinely happy. A butterfly flies closer to him, landing on the tip of his nose making him giggle and he stretches his arm, seeing how it goes to his hand. Hansol smiles because he loves butterflies, they are pure and pretty with their colorful wings and weightlessness, their delicacy.

Do you like butterflies too?” He hears a smooth voice speaking and quickly he lifts his gaze, his body getting stiff and he brings his hands on front of his face, consequently making the butterfly fly away. The boy doesn't seem threatening though, he has chocolate eyes and a pair of thin lips that are smirking to him. His features are mild and Hansol likes how his brown hair is a bit messy because of the soft breeze. Slowly, Hansol moves his hands, sitting straight again and glancing at him.

“You made the butterfly go away.” He mutters in a tiny, squeaky voice, and the boy kneels in front of him. He gazes at him for a while, not saying a word, and then he sits beside him, looking at the sky. Hansol doesn't speak anything too cause he's kind of nervous since he never knew anyone beside himself. He doesn't know for sure what he supposes to do cause he has been there for only a few months and he doesn't remember of living before. However, another butterfly flies again, landing this time on the boy's hand and he stretches his arm so Hansol can see it.

“I like butterflies.” He finally says and he smiles to him. “I'm Kim Byungjoo. What's your name?”

“I'm just Hansol.” He mumbles and sees how Byungjoo seems satisfied with his short answer. He lies on the hill again, but this time them both are laughing at the cloud's shapes together.

It's almost like if they they had known each for a long time.

In the first weeks, Byungjoo doesn't speak too much, probably not to startle Hansol who is always scared of loud noises or more talk than usual. He doesn't like questions because he never knows how to answer them. Hansol feels like he should be worried with not knowing practically anything about this dreamy world where he lives or about himself, but he doesn't. He isn't worried, in fact he's happier than any living person and his days are filled up by joy and smiles, butterflies landing on his hands and making his heart flutter.

Hansol feels truly happy, he doesn't want to leave this place and just the simple thought of having to go away from wherever he is scares him. His life is pretty perfect as he's holding hands with Byungjoo, walking along the soft grass, bare feet, dressing only a thin shirt and white pants, smiling to all the butterflies that lands on his body – he finds quite funny when they rest at his or Byungjoo's hair.

One day, as they are walking through the woods, Byungjoo points to a tree and smiles happily. Hansol asks himself why he seems so excited in finding a tree till he sees him taking a red thing from there.

“What's that?” Hansol asks because he had never seen that before, and his question makes Byungjoo furrow his eyebrows, probably wondering if Hansol doesn't know or if he's just joking. Nevertheless, he smirks softly and bites it, munching.

“It's an apple. It's a fruit.”

“And what's the use of a fruit?” He really doesn't understand what Byungjoo is doing with that, biting and swallowing up. He had never seen him doing this and that makes him confused. Byungjoo seems to be enjoying even though that looks like a really weird thing to do.

“You eat.” Byungjoo says and hands him the apple. “Bite it, Hansol. You will like it.”

The word 'eat' makes him shiver and he doesn't know exactly why, but that triggers a feeling that he doesn't like. His eyes widen at the vision of the crimson fruit and he holds it with shaky hands, opening his mouth and biting, munching, swallowing, and feeling his stomach violently reject that food, making him throw up seconds later. He feels terrible for eating and his eyes get watery as he's ashamed of that, of the disturbed look on Byungjoo's face and how he gently rubs his back, saying it's okay.

But Hansol knows it's not okay. As time goes by, he discovers he doesn't like eating at all and he just watches when Byungjoo eats the fruits he finds, the pleasure evident on his face. At first he tried to make Hansol taste it too, but he gives up when he notices that he throws up every time he tries.

Nonetheless, Hansol is still happy. He loves singing to the butterflies, it's his favorite thing to do. He likes seeing how Byungjoo watches him sing with a smile on his thin lips and how some times they sing together. It's nice to have someone, Hansol thinks, and it's lovely to be able to hold his hand as they lie on the hills watching the bright blue sky.

It's a pitch black night and he hugs Byungjoo to sleep. He is his second favorite thing, right after the butterflies.

“Hansol, have you ever thought about how life is outside?” He mutters, low enough that only Hansol is able to hear – though there's only him and the mild breeze blowing their hairs.

It's a strange question, indeed, and Hansol purses his lips, glancing at him. He remains quiet for a long while, clenching his little fingers around Byungjoo's shirt, breathing so quietly that the other boy thinks he fell asleep.

“This is my life, Joo. Here with my butterflies and you.” Hansol answers, pretty certain of his thoughts and feelings. He knows no other life and he likes how here is – wherever, whatever here is. He doesn't want to leave, he feels safe and happy.

Byungjoo hums softly in agreement and keeps stroking his hair until he sleeps. Usually, Hansol doesn't dream, and when he does it's only with butterflies.

However, this time he finds himself walking through a large corridor that doesn't seem to have an ending. He can see white walls and locked doors and he just feels like he has to keep walking no matter what happens. He's bare feet and the floor's tiles are icy, making him slightly shiver. He doesn't like this place but he has no other way besides head to the exit even though he doesn't know if he can escape from the smashing whiteness that it's making his heart speed up in a unknown fear. He's cold and he embraces himself, rubbing his arms in a feeble attempt of warming himself up.

'Why are you here? Go back.' He hears a voice that sounds so much with himself that makes him gasp and look behind him, but when he looks back there's only a thick wall and the way he was heading doesn't exist anymore.

Hansol sits on the floor, hugging himself and hiding his face on his knees. 'Please, please wake up' he thinks, but nothing happens. He's still there, shaking on the floor and feeling his heart beating rather fast.

'Hansol, Hansol please. Listen to me.' There's another voice now and he doesn't know the owner this time. It's a boy's voice, a cute, worried one, and Hansol lifts his gaze, but he doesn't see who spoke that. When he opens his mouth trying to say something he notices he has no voice and that no matter how he tries he can't speak.

He feels fear and that's a feeling Hansol didn't know in his oddly happy life. He hates how his stomach hurts in anxiety and how he's breathing so quickly that he's panting.

There's a black figure walking in his direction and Hansol has no place to runaway so he just tries to hide his face with his hands but even when he closes his eyes he still can see.

He sees himself but he's rather different than he looks now. His hair is still black and short but his eyes are just deep and sad, like if he could drown himself only by looking at them. He's thinner than anything he had ever seen (though he only knows Hansol and Byungjoo) and when he looks at his wrists, he can see blood dripping from them, littering the white floor.

'Go back. Please.' The boy speaks and Hansol just nods, too afraid to do anything.

When he opens his eyes he's lying beside Byungjoo and before he notices tears are rolling along his cheeks, an uncontrollable crying taking control of his body as he's really afraid. He can't forget all those voices and he hugs Byungjoo's tight.

“What's wrong Hansol?” He asks as he rubs his back soothingly, but Hansol doesn't answer as his whole body is quivering with his broken sobs. 'There's nothing wrong', he wants to answer, but he knows that he would be lying.

Because, after that day, everything changed.

Hansol started having nightmares every night and Byungjoo was there for him. In those dreams he usually saw himself, with bloody wrists and a pale face, a thin saddening figure who would always tell him to go back. Hansol would cry and sob, too afraid to actually do anything, and he would wake with Byungjoo calling his name and shaking him softly because he was screaming.

Nevertheless, Hansol was still happy. He still singed for the butterflies and played with them, walking bare feet through the green grass, smiling to the bright sky and holding Byungjoo's warm hand. He avoided eating because he didn't need to, and he wasn't skinny as the Hansol in his nightmares. He realized he loved Byungjoo – maybe more than the butterflies – and that he loved to be with him.

Such an odd feeling, Hansol thinks, for someone who practically knows nothing beside happiness and fear.

Tags: bjoo, hanjoo, hansol, topp dogg, topp dogg fic
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