Pairing: 2dragon (Sehyuk x Sangdo)
Warnings: Mentions of depression, same sex marriage
Summary: Sehyuk has been always looking for perfection and he can’t see the sparkle in the stars on the gloomy nights.
Word Count: ~2,400 words
At the age of twenty five, Sehyuk sees himself with a ring on his finger.
When he was a teenager, he never dreamt about getting married; in fact, he didn’t use to have dreams at all. Some people would describe him as a cold hearted person since he usually didn’t smile to anyone. His smirks were for the one person he would love someday.
For a long time, Sehyuk thought he wouldn’t smile. He wondered if there was something wrong with him like everyone used to say; maybe he was really broken and his feelings were all destroyed by the frigidity of his spirit. Day after day, Sehyuk would sit down and gaze at the stars for a while, asking them for help because he couldn’t live like that anymore.
“Damn” Sehyuk swore as he accidentally poured some hot coffee on his hand. He tried to hold the plastic cup without burning himself even more and he saw someone taking it from him, making him lift his eyes. The boy had a bright brown hair and chocolate big eyes. His lips were thin and he smiled to Sehyuk, a warm, gentle smirk, something Sehyuk didn’t know.
“Let me see your hands.” He spoke, putting the cup aside and Sehyuk tried to complain, but he was stronger than him and pulled him to an empty chair, making him sit. “Oh, you burn yourself a little bit. I’ll take care of this for you.”
“Hey, you don’t have t-” Sehyuk complained, but the boy paid no mind to him, going to his backpack and taking a first aid box.
He could see how careful he was as he cleaned the wound, buying a water bottle so he could wash it with cold water. He didn’t speak anything as he was working on his hand, and he put a band aid since the burn wasn’t that serious. He smiled to Sehyuk again, putting his stuff back to his bag.
“I’m Sangdo. Sorry about that.” he said, pointing to the curative on his hands “but I can’t handle seeing people hurt.”
“It’s okay.” Sehyuk answered, bowing his head softly. There was a thick silence between them after that and Sehyuk know that it would be polite to break it, but he didn’t like talking. He never did.
“I’m studying to be a nurse.” Sangdo spoke, looking at his eyes and smiling. “I know you’re doing Arts. I’ve seen some paintings of yours and they are amazing, Sehyuk.”
Certainly Sehyuk was surprised by the fact that this boy knew him - he probably went to their college’s exposition and he got to see his paintings. He was also amazed that he liked it because most of them were rather dark and gloomy for most people’s tastes. Sometimes he would also like to paint the sea or the stars, though he was never able to transfer their beauty to whoever was seeing his paintings.
“Thank you.” Sehyuk muttered, throwing his backpack on his shoulder and ready to go back to his studio and forget this weird meeting.
But he never did. He never managed to forget those eyes, to forget how the boy liked his paintings and how he remembered his name after he saw his work.
It took only two weeks to Sehyuk smile for him.
And it took him six years to realise that he couldn’t live without Sangdo anymore. He couldn’t imagine himself wakening without seeing his smile or hearing him sleepily mumble a ‘good morning’, or to have lunch without someone scolding him when he was eating too much fast food. Sehyuk smiled to himself as Sangdo was talking about how he should take care of a cut he got as he was peeling an apple. It was cute, actually, the way he was always looking after him and how he would get worried because of anything.
He still remembers how panicked Sangdo got when he suffered a car crash. He was working at night when he got called and he ran to the hospital, his heart breaking a little when he saw Sehyuk injured like that. He had broken a leg and he was unconscious, several gashes spread along his body.
“I’m sorry” Sehyuk had said when he woke up in the next day. “You said you can’t handle seeing people hurt”
As soon as he got back home, Sangdo took care of him. He hated seeing him crying in pain, but he was beside him all those times, and after being so close of losing him he noticed that he couldn’t live away from him.
That’s why, one day as he was cleaning one of his wounds, Sangdo proposed to him. Most of people would think this was the most unromantic way of doing it, but Sehyuk found it adorable. His eyes were already tearful because of the pain he was feeling and he hugged Sangdo tight, not bothering that they both smelled like antiseptic. How could he say no to the man who would always clean his wounds and scold him whenever he eats too much junk food?
So once Sehyuk got better and was totally healed from the accident, they married. They had a simple wedding party and only their closest friends were invited (most of them were Sangdo’s friends since Sehyuk wasn’t very sociable). They even had a photoshoot so they could remember precisely how happy they were on that day.
And incredible as it may seem, even after a year Sehyuk was still happy. Sangdo would do anything to make him feel good (and Sehyuk would do the same for him) and he loved his smiles. He would say often how he should always smile, and of course Sehyuk listens to him; all the time before he met the love of his life he had been locking his smiles deep inside his heart. Sangdo was the only one who had the key for that lock and the one who knew how to make him feel happy.
After they made love one night, Sangdo was lying on the bed with Sehyuk cuddling with him. He was stroking his hair softly and smiling, wondering why he had taken so long to find him. They had been together for nearly 8 years now and he still feels like falling in love with him every single day. A life without Sehyuk it’s just melancholic and sad and he can’t even think about what he would do if Sehyuk leaves someday without feeling his heart break a little.
“Sehyuk?” He muttered softly, feeling somehow nervous. He had been thinking about how he should talk about this to him, but he didn’t know the best way to say it. Sehyuk only mumbled a “Mmm?” and he sighed, trying to calm himself down. The problem was that he didn’t know what reaction Sehyuk would have and he was afraid of this going on the wrong way. “I told you once, a few years ago in fact, that I dreamt of being a father. Do you remember that?”
Almost immediately Sehyuk’s face got white. Several thoughts crossed over his mind and seconds became ages for him; he knew what was coming next. Sangdo had this thing of randomly saying that he wanted to have kids someday, but Sehyuk never thought this day would come. He never wanted to get married, in the first place, let alone being a father. Nevertheless, he didn’t ever think that having a wife or husband would be a good thing and surprisingly he discovered that his life was better in this way. Perhaps having kids would be as pleasant as his marriage was. Honestly, it wasn’t as if Sehyuk had a voice. He had been only accepting things on his life and he would do whatever Sangdo wanted to let him happy.
That’s why within an year later, Sehyuk sees himself with a child on his arms.
Park Sarang had only two years when Sangdo and Sehyuk adopted her; she had a white milky skin, black hair and giant sparkling eyes. Her laugh was so pure and it would always make Sangdo’s heart melt. Even though she had a dark past, she could now smile as she was playing with the several toys that her parents bought her and sleep hugging her big teddy bear.
The thing Sangdo loved the most (and Sehyuk seemed to feel the same way, sometimes) was to walk holding his husband’s hand and his child in his arms. He felt like all his life had guided him to this moment, and he could say that he was truly happy, his heart was overflowing in happiness and he couldn’t ask for more.
However, there were times when Sehyuk would sit all alone in the balcony, a cigarette in his hands (even though Sangdo had said he shouldn’t smoke), and he would think if he was doing the right thing. He never had thought about getting married, let alone having children. He was happy, he was sure of that, but the bitter taste of the indecision and doubt was plastered to his mouth. The “what if” that couldn’t leave his mind was driving him mad and every time Sarang started to cry at night, making him get up to see what was wrong, he would think if he really wanted that. He felt selfish and cruel for asking himself all those questions, because Sangdo thought everything was perfect. He would smile at him and kiss him, saying that he loved more than anything in the world.
But Sehyuk never knew the true happiness, and he felt so fucking guilty because of it. He had the most perfect husband and the cutest child he could ever dream of, and yet he would sit and cry silently as he would hear Sangdo sing to their baby sleep.
Sehyuk had everything and yet he feels so fucking empty all the time. It hurts to know that his smiles are becoming more and more rare, just as they were before that stupid boy took care of the burns the coffee he had poured on his hand caused.
“Love?” The smooth voice of Sangdo called him, and he was smoking this time, sitting alone and watching the stars and the moon, wondering why he can’t feel happy as he should. He didn’t regret anything, though; he loved Sarang and he loved Sangdo with all his heart, but yet everything was so difficult for him. “What are you doing?”
There was no answer from Sehyuk because he didn’t want Sangdo to watch him tear down in front of him, he didn’t want him to see the glistened tears that were rolling along his cheeks as all he can think of is how stupid he is being.
Nevertheless, Sangdo always knew him as an open book, and he knew each page of him. He knew that his art was starting to get as dark as before, and he could feel the smell of the cigarette in his clothes, he could taste it in his kisses. He could notice how Sehyuk’s smiles were dim and how sometimes he would hug Sarang as she was sleeping and he would silently cry with her in his arms.
Sangdo sat beside of him, taking the hand that wasn’t holding the cigarette, and he didn’t look at his face because he knew how annoyed he gets when someone looks at him as he’s crying. “I’m sorry.” Sehyuk muttered, turning his face to gaze at him and it hurts so much. He was ashamed of how weak he was, of how he was whining when he had a perfect life. “I’m so sorry.” He said again, and the answer he received was a sad, gentle smile.
The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable, and Sehyuk’s sobs became lower and lower until they stopped. Sangdo’s hand was still on his, softly caressing his skin, tracing the lines of his veins and massaging his knuckles. “It took me some time to realise what bothers your heart, Sehyuk.” Sangdo finally spoke, looking at him once again. “You are seeking for perfection, you always have been. You never smiled too much because you were saving your smiles. You never allowed yourself to be happy because you were looking for something truly worthy of your happiness. But yet, you let your life guide you.”
The pain, the sorrow was more than evident on Sangdo’s voice, and there were some tears wetting his dark eyes, but he doesn’t wipe them, not yet.
“The choices we’ve made… I don’t regret any of them.” Sehyuk said, because he didn’t want Sangdo to think he was regretted of marrying or having a child. “It’s just… it hurts.”
“I know. And I can’t handle seeing people hurt.” Sangdo answered with a sad smirk on his lips and he pulled his hand closer so he could kiss their ring. “The happiness you seek it’s inside you, Sehyuk. You just have to open your eyes for it.” He kissed his fingers, though his eyes were at Sehyuk’s. “I’m here for you, today and forever. Don’t forget that.”
At the age of twenty eight, Sehyuk sees himself carrying his daughter’s backpack on his shoulders, as he screams for her not to go too far, and laughs as Sangdo scolds him for letting her play outside.
He’s sitting on the balcony again, though this time he has Sarang on his lap and Sangdo by his side. The cigarette is long forgotten and the tears still come back sometimes, but now Sangdo is always there to wipe them. When he’s hurt, he has Sangdo to put some band aids on his wounds, even if it’s his heart who’s hurting.
On the few times in which Sangdo is the one in pain, Sekyuk does his best to fix him, even if he’s a little clumsy as he tries to assure him that everything is okay.
And in a cold, dark night, Sehyuk sees himself smiling to the moon, and thanking the stars for burning himself with the hot coffee.